[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]
wife: how did the interview go?!
me: terrible
wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?
me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster
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If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
The three genders.
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.
16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.