[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]
wife: how did the interview go?!
me: terrible
wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?
me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster
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Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
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[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
The internet is magic sometimes.
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
11: dad do you know what 3+3+3+3 is?
Me: 12
11:
Me:
11: ok I was just making sure that you’re not –
Me: choose your next words wisely.
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
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Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
apparently this year was written by stephen king
*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence9: Yummm! What’s that smell?
Me: Cereal
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.