*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence9: Yummm! What’s that smell?
Me: Cereal
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My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
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[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
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I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
I was very concerned with my Grandma today