Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?

When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:

Him: Where were you, I was worried!

Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.

Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!

ME: Sorry……dad?

You don’t scare me. You’re not a trip to Costco on the weekend 10 days before Christmas.

if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover

starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes

one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through

If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.

– Things I have to say to my mom

*twirls fork through hair*

So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?

My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.

I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.

My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.

*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*

She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1

“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses

I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.

Worst feelings:

1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help

hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants

I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun

Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.

Me: [right before a hurricane hits] ugh I just washed the car

Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”

And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”

Parenthood has made me so mature.

My dentist told me I needed to cut back on the red wine and coffee, so I told her she should cut back on the Botox and Aqua Net. Anyway, that’s why my mouth is bleeding in 14 different places now.

Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”

I said ” scissors” and drove off

ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.

9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.

Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.

If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?

Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.

Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.

9:30 in the morning, the woman behind me in line says to her toddler “No, I don’t think they have ice cream right now, nobody eats ice cream this early in the morning,” just as I turn around holding a giant cup of vanilla soft serve.