Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
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“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
me: I plead the 3rd
lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?
me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.