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Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work
me: hm ok. any other options?
company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho
me: uhh
company: try simply tapping your card
me: but does it-
company: this has NEVER worked
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”
* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything