“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
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COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
Uh oh…
Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband
Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?
Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis
Priest: that’s not really-
Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”
Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
I’d love this before and after shot…lol
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.