“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
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nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …
HR said no more nunchucks.
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house
It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters
Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?