nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
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Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?
Just me?
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute