Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
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ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”