Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
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I will never stop laughing at this
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
Me: I got a new car!
Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?
Me: It’s red.
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
Follow me for more fitness tips.
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.