Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
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This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days