When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
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Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.