Not my job 😂
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*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.