Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of

Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?

I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.

My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.

Absolutely no one:

Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*

Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!

Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?

*Biden raises hand*

Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?

*Biden lowers hand*

They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on

Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.

The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.

Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!

medusa but her hair is an anaconda

[Day at the beach]

*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *

6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home

Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.

*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”

Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!

y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.

this is where I found it today

“I challenge you to a duel!”

“Very well. The weapon?”

“Compliments.”

“A capital choice.”

“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”

Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.

By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl

Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.

Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”

A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.

I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it

You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.

My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.

For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.

Let me play you the song of my children.

*open and closes door 20 times*

“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want

My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.

No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole

There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together