Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
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Kung fu movie idea:
She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.
When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of
KUNG FU CAT LADY
Its true…
[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—
FAMILY: We have a JET?!
ME: I meant—
FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?
ME:
FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?
ME: Yes, that is definitely the case
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back