There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
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My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
Generation gap…
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.