[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
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me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.