People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
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[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket