People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
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[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.
Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
kids these days don’t know but it’s mad how many CD-Rs we were all burning 20 years ago. you’d usually get in a couple before breakfast, ideally nip home at lunch for a quick one, kick back in the evening burning a few and then wake up multiple times a night to insert fresh discs
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
So we got a goldfish…
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena