As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
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Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
The first matador
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying