Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
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FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.