I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
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*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft