Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
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imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong