Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
You Might Also Like
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
There is wisdom there.
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.