Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
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I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:
– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.