“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
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Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign