My ideal weight is five million dollars
You Might Also Like
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
bad news gang
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?