My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
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One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.
Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
This guy’s not having it 😆
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”