I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
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1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin
fourth time’s the charm
Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
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i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
watergate? u mean a dam??
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.