My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
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I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?
Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?
4: No reason.
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.