My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
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Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pastaHe’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease
professor x: tell me more, tell me more
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”