the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
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I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
the simulation is moving too fast
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?