My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
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Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
But I really needed water water water
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
My real name is maybe one of the top 5 whitest names ever invented and I just picked up my online order at a KFC that is deep in the hood where I’m maybe the only white guy within a mile and as soon as I went in they said “Here he is. Thats (my name)” and I lol’d.
firefox refused to restore my session that i’ve had going for 2+ years….
over 7k tabs down the drain….