*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
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Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.
Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me: