Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
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When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
Whenever I see a lone shoe on the road I figure someone’s foot has been raptured
no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge
Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing