Whenever I see a lone shoe on the road I figure someone’s foot has been raptured
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There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
I think my first day working for Microsoft is going really well.
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
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The top ans was
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GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.
The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6
Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire