Whenever I see a lone shoe on the road I figure someone’s foot has been raptured
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You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
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[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
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Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth
She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face
He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.
3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in
How was your morning?
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.