Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
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My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
For when Tinder doesn’t work
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’