I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
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[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
is this a threat
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
I like donuts.
Twitter:
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.