Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
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NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
I just checked Web MD and I have everything
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles