The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
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If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
I saw nothing
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?