If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
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Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”