Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
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If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
sensitive skin
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”
Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
i want the dreams to chase me for once
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.