me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
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Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
are there any atheist mantises?
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥