mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
You Might Also Like
If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
Favourite diary entry ever
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️
i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.