The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
You Might Also Like
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.
Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
Upon discovering that the good burger place I wanted to get dinner from is closed today, and feeling that no other place would do, I said, “I do not wish to sully my palate with an inferior burger,” and I sounded like if Mr. Darcy was a foodie throwing a tantrum.
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”