Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
You Might Also Like
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
[on the 7th day]
Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
God: yeah totally harmless little dude
Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
I’d love this…lol
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.