My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
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She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts
Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.