My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
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Wasps: bees, but not helping
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
$20k in my bank account (the k is silent)
It has been 3 years since Monday.
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
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