ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
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Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*
*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*
Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
“What?”
– Jude
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 PantsFor the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven
me: mean witch! but cunning
gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven
me: the chess game continues. Genius
witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate
me: oh
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live