If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
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* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
“A little help here, Danny?”
I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
Penguins walking in 5x speed
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
crying
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
I see a badly-tied bin liner.