Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
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The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.