My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
You Might Also Like
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal